


Virgin Island

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, Kinkyness, M/M, Smut, Sounding, USUK - Freeform, Virginity, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-08
Updated: 2012-07-08
Packaged: 2017-11-09 09:54:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/454174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>America realizes he's never had any sexy times with England, but very much wants to. But for some reason, no matter how hard he tries, or how kinky he gets, England bolts! America thinks he just needs to be more creative and even kinkier, but he never even considers that England is actually a virgin. SURPRISE! Cracky USUK, America's POV for the lulz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Virgin Island

**Author's Note:**

> Notes, READ THEM YOU GUYS: This fic was for wt-chan! She wanted to see virgin!England. With kinky/ sexually experienced!America. Not sure if this is AU (nothing else is different) but those are the versions of them in this fic.
> 
> Got that? This is kinky/ sexually experienced!America/ virgin!England. Just wanted that to be clear because it's a little different than usual. There's also mentions of America/ various others. (He really gets around in this fic!)
> 
> Another warning: includes sexual harassment and molestation. Also lots of kinky things mentioned, including sounding. So if that's not your thing I don't recommend reading.
> 
> America's POV!

Once upon a time, I went to England. Both the country and the dude. I didn't tell him I was coming, I just kinda did.

It all started when I heard they were gonna ban sugary drinks in New York City if they were over 32 oz. It's like, dude. I need all 32 oz. of Mountain Dew with my large butter popcorn at the movies, especially if it's to see the cool new Hunger Games movie because that movie kicks major ass. I love Peeta! He's my favorite character. (Not to be confused with PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, who hand out 'Unhappy Meals' at McDonald's to make people feel bad.) (Get it? UNhappy? I guess it's clever, I'll give them that one. Still gonna eat my burgers though.)

WTF was I talking about? Oh, yes. I had to DO THE DEW! And sure, this proposed ban on large sodas and whatnot was only for NYC, so theoretically I could have gone anywhere to escape it. Even other places in my own country. And guzzle down as much Pepsi or Coke or Sprite or Sunny D as I wanted. But, ya know. I didn't.

Look, I don't need to explain myself to you. If I wanted to visit England, I'm gonna visit England, all right? Get off my case. You don't gotta be all suspicious. I'm not playing you. I don't have my iPhone password locked because I'm hiding something. I just don't want people to go through it. That a crime? Give me some space, jeez.

So I went to the place that never has to deal with tracking or breaking into people's phones – England. (Rupert Murdoch knows what's I'm talking about … WINK WINK.) Except when I went to his house, he wasn't there!

I kept ringing the doorbell and knocking and shoving random crap like sticks and rocks through his mail slot, and yet he didn't come to the door.

"I guess he's not home," I said as I tried jamming a lawn gnome through the mail hole. It didn't work. LOL that was probably England's best friend or something. You know how he is with his … special friends, pfft.

But then suddenly the door actually did open. "Looking for England, sir?"

"What the—" It wasn't England at all. It was England's little Mini-Me, Sealand. In his little sailor outfit, haha. Innit that cute."Yeah, where is he?"

"He's out riding," replied Sealand. That got my attention. Riding what? (HURR HURR.) "He should be back very soon. Would you like a spot of tea whilst you wait for him?"

"Uh, no. I don't wait for people. You better bring him to me."

"I don't know if I can. But I can bring you to the stable where he should be returning soon!"

"Augh, fine."

So we walked to England's stable a short distance away.

"Please don't tell that jerk England you saw me, sir," said Sealand as we walked. "I actually snuck into his house whilst he was out, for mischiefing."

"Mischiefing, huh? What kind of mischiefing are you doing in his house?"

"Hehe … well, don't tell him, but I know he has this secret stash of books in his bedroom," said Sea-Sea. "That's what I'm gonna do now. He refuses to let me see them, so I'm sneaking in today to see what they are!"

"HAHAHAHA!" I LOL'd. "Oh lawd, that is hilarious. You're probably too young for that stuff, but this is too funny to stop."

Sea-Sea frowned. "Oh? Why is that?"

"Haha … oh, no reason. Just know that if his stuff is pre-80's, the razor has come a long way since then!"

Sea-Sea was like :I

Finally, we got to the stable. "You can wait here for him," said Sealand as he opened the door for me. "I'm going to hurry back and see if I find the books before he returns. Cheerio!"

"Rice Krispies!" I called back to him as he happily scampered off.

I entered the stable. Which was really just a small barn. Full of typical barny, horsey things like hay and some riding equipment and a salt lick. There was only one stall for a horse, and it was empty. Above it read in fancy cursive letters: BUTTERSCOTCH. LOL, really? England named his horse Butterscotch? Haha, oh, wow.

As I looked around, I realized that I didn't even know England had a horse. I mean, I knew he had them when I was younger. Everybody did. That's how we got around back then, before they invented cars and trains and Segways. But post-industrial age? I assumed we all stopped owning them. Weird …

I remember when I was younger, I had a horse. He had a fiery red coat with a black mane and tail and we had cool adventures together and he always made smart ass comments to me. Ahh, nostalgia. Oh wait crap, that was Pokey from Gumby. LOL never mind.

I looked out the window and into the wide, green pasture or whatever it was I was looking at. Rolling hills of grass. SIGH. I hate waiting for things. Waiting blows hard. Except for that movie called "Waiting" that was actually pretty good. But real waiting sucks.

Just then, as I was sighing annoyedly, I caught a glimpse of something in the distance. A flash of motion. I adjusted my glasses and looked closer. Because what I saw didn't make a lick of sense.

Picture this: England, hunched over, floating mid-air, holding his arms out like he was grabbing something tightly, and moving his hips up and down. Want me to repeat that? FLOATING MID-AIR. (Also wanted to repeat moving his hips up and down because that looked pretty naughty, hehe.)

"THE FUDGE? !" I exclaimed, tearing myself from the window in shock. There was no way I just saw that. People don't float mid-air. And they certainly don't awkwardly hump the air while up in it. It made no sense! Not according to science! Isaac Newton would shit himself if he saw that. Shit out every apple he ever ate!

I was scared at first. The image really frightened me. I panicked and wanted nothing more than to go find a store and buy 32 oz. of Dr. Pepper to calm me down. The Dr. always knows what's best. But as I kept thinking about this image, as it sank in, my mind slowly wrapped around it … I realized something.

It was pretty freakin' hot.

I mean, think about it. Him moving his hips up and down so quickly like that. Like a piston! He must have some pretty intense muscles to do that. I bet his leg muscles … 'specially them thighs, them inner thighs, are all taut and hard and smooth. That's pretty hot. I always knew he was a wiry kinda guy, but who knew he was toned like that? Could you imagine what you could do with muscles like that?

Because I am. Unnf. Getting turned on just thinking about it! What's that called when you do that movement on a horse … posting? God, if you're good at posting, you know you're good at sex. A good horse rider means a good … well, rider. On your penis. He's got the muscles, he's got the movement … now all he needs is to hurry and get back here so he can hop on and prove me right ;)

Ooh, I was getting so excited! As soon as England returned, I was gonna lay on the charm thick. Really flirt with him. I know he'll probably bitch about something because what else is new with him. But he wouldn't take long too long to crack. A little smooth talking and we'd be rolling around in that bale of hay in no time.

As I glanced around the barn, I found something interesting. Amongst the tack and saddles and other horsetacular things, I found a riding crop. Hells yeah. Riding crops are kinky as fuck. I started imaging this. Pulling England down into a pile of hay with me. He sits on top of me, impales himself on me, moaning, and rides me like he rides a horse. And I sit back and enjoy that ride, smacking his ass with the riding crop and yelling things at him like "Faster!" and "Harder!" and "NEEEIGH!" (That's the sound a horse makes. Thanks The Farmer Says spin and play toy!

Oh fuck. I started to pop a boner just thinking about all that! England better get his Brit butt back in this stable quick. My cock ain't gonna ride itself.

Then I was wondering something. Had I ever banged England before? I couldn't remember at first! I thought I did, but then I was like, no wait. That was Australia that day after losing Wimbledon. We had the lights off and their accents sound the same to me, LOL. Mmm, strawberries and cream.

No wait … what about that time in the submarine hunting down the Loch Ness Monster's babies for a new show on Animal Planet. That was him, right? No, crap. That was his brother, Scotland. And we never did find Nessie's babies. I don't think they ever actually existed. Damn Planned Parenthood, encouraging cryptozoologic birth control.

No, I had to have done England at least once! There's no way I didn't! I mean, I get around. I've been with near about everyone. You don't run the world, have military bases and embassies in almost every country, and have a hand in how other countries run themselves without sharing a few beds with them, am I right? If you're thinking I'm a playa right now, well stop hatin'. Or hate the game, not the playa.

I had to have done him at some point. Hmm. Oh yeah! After I helped him with that forest fire or whatever at Chernobyl. That was some GOOD glow-in-the-dark sex! Everything glowed in the dark back then. He sure did have a nice rack too! Wait, crap. I'm mixing up UK and Ukraine. I have one crap memory.

Could I really have missed England somehow? And never once boned him? I couldn't believe it. But as I thought about it, I realized it was true. Somehow he'd slipped between the cracks and we'd never once done it.

Well, that was about to change. This was way overdue. I'm about half hard and ready for it, he ain't bad looking, and I found his riding crop. This was gonna happen. And it was gonna be kiiiiinky.

I couldn't wait to smack his ass with that thing! ;)

Maybe leave marks. Welts even. Mark him as mine. Even though I'm sure he gets around a lot too. I mean, he's got those dirty mags in his bedroom. And I'm sure he ain't just reading them for the articles. He's gotta be kinky as fuck, just like me.

"America?" I heard a Britishy voice say. "What are you doing here?"

I was facing the other way. Holding the riding crop in my hand, running my fingers over the leather. Then my eyes widened.

"England, you're back!" I exclaimed as I turned around to face him. Then I toned it down, because I remembered I was gonna try to seduce him, hehe. "Have a nice ride?" I asked in a somewhat deeper tone.

England walked with his hand out behind him. "Oh, yes. Quite lovely. First day in a week it hasn't rained." He walked up to the stall. "Butterscotch here hates getting wet, don't you, girl?"

"Mmm, I love getting it wet, it's – WAIT WHAT? !" Sexy charmer to WTF in 2.5 seconds! "Why are you talking to and petting the AIR? !"

He was definitely petting the air. Just patting away like something was there. "Not air – Butterscotch. My beautiful unicorn."

Oh lawd. Not this crap again! England's a nutball!

He stopped petting and opened the stall door. "There you go, girl. Back in your stall. I've laid out fresh hay for you." He moved his hand like he was leading a horse by the halter.

"England, YOU CRAZY!" I exclaimed. "There's nothing there! And I know you're faking it because I don't even see a halter. I should at least see like one of them invisible dog collars but I don't see nothing. You mean to tell me THAT'S invisible too? You're so full of crap."

"You just can't see her because you're impure," said England as he closed the stall door.

"Fuck you, I'm not impure."

I know because I got tested, you guys. Everything came back negative, phew. Learn your lesson from me, boys and girls. Use a rubber every time! Because that waiting room wait to hear a certain bit of news is not very fun. Especially since I hate waiting.

"You are, but there's neither here or there," said England, dusting off his hands. "What is here or there is why you are here."

"Instead of there?" I dropped back down to my sexy voice for this next part, "Obviously I had to see you in your cute little riding outfit."

England was dressed in full on … well, dressage. He had on breeches that really fit pretty tight. You could see his leg muscles through them. And I bet his ass too, if he'd do me the pleasure of turning around. He also wore a dressage coat, one of them real fancy ones, with white gloves and tall black leather boots.

It looked pretty damn good on him.

"Cute?" scoffed England. "I'll have you know this is proper English dressage. I'll wear nothing less whilst upon the back of such a magnificent creature such as Butterscotch."

"Yeah, cute chaps," I replied, stepping closer to him. Awkwardly close. "Kinda tight though, don'tcha think?"

England gave me a confused look. He took a step back, but hit the stall door when he did. So he was cornered. "This is how they are supposed to fit."

"Heh." I lowered my eyelids about halfway. "Looks good on ya. You can see your muscles. I bet they're real hard from riding, huh?"

England looked weirded out by my husky voice. What, was he not using to being hit on like this? Because it's not like I was doing this wrong. I'm an expert charmer ;)

"Want me to massage them for you?" I asked, putting an arm above him on the stall door for leverage and leaning into him.

England's eyes widened as my other arm wandered south. My hand cupped his inner thigh. And started slowly stroking up and down.

I felt England tense. Big time. His muscles there were already tight, but he clenched even more when I touched him.

"The hell are you doing?" he asked as he flinched, back pushing against the door.

"How's it feel?" My hand kept going. Smoothing up and down along those hard, tight inner thigh muscles. "You like it?"

England was still clenching himself. Pressed hard against the door. "N-not particularly."

I pulled away for a moment. But only to grab something. "Look what I found~" I said singsong as I resumed my position. Looming over England, pinning him to the stall door.

"My riding crop?" asked England, puzzled about it.

I twirled it in my fingers. "What do you have this for, hmm?"

"I don't use it," England replied bluntly. "I originally bought it in case I needed it for discipline, but Butterscotch has never disobeyed me – so it just sits here in the barn."

I leaned even closer. So that our faces were almost touching. "What a shame."

Then, with my lowered arm, I smacked him hard with the crop on the side of his hip.

"H-hey!" he yelped, flinching again. "That hurt, idiot!"

I moved my hand and immediately started rubbing the spot I'd smacked. "Aww, I'm sorry, babe."

"Babe?"

"But you need a little discipline."

"Eh?"

SMACK!

Right on the side of his hip again.

This time, he shoved me off of him. "Fucking tosser!" he swore. "Quit hitting me! I don't know what's come over you, but it's— oof!—"

England's back forcefully hit the stall door. Because I pinned him up against it. "Mmm, yeah I like it rough like that."

"Get off of me—"

"Ai'ight."

With a whirl, I grabbed him and spun him. Before he knew what was happening, I'd pulled him down into that big pile of hay with me. I lay back in it, and pulled him into my lap.

"What are you doing? !" he bitched.

I made him sit on my lap.

"What do you wanna do?" I asked in my bedroom voice, giving him that look. One hand slid up and groped his ass.

"H-Hey!" England glanced back at my hand feeling him up. "This is rather improper!"

With my other hand, I smacked him on the ass with the riding crop. It made a fairly audible smacking sound, louder than his hip. "Do you wanna be disciplined again~?"

England looked panicked. "What the hell is wrong with you? !"

Hmm. This wasn't going the way I'd hoped. By now I was hoping England would be all over me. Letting me run my hands over his tight riding muscles, begging for me to hit him more because he's a bad boy and deserves it, and awkwardly trying to shimmy out of his tight riding breeches. Then he'd eagerly hop on my cock because I was all the way there then, NEGL. Full on erection. He'd climb on and lower himself down. And happily ride me, using those strong leg muscles of his, until we were both screaming and whinnying like horses from awesome orgasms.

But that's not what was happening. Instead, England was flipping out at my advances. It appeared I'd really rustled his jimmies. That's not how seduction is supposed to go :/

"Come on, England," I said sexfully. I pulled at his little riding shirt, trying to untuck it from his pants. "Let's get this off and lemme see some skin …"

England quickly grabbed his shirt and tucked it back in. "Absolutely not!"

"Aww," I pouted. "What's a quickie in the barn? It'll be fun."

"I can't believe you!"

My hand returned to his inner thigh. Rubbing at those tight muscles. God, I knew just from feeling it how perfect he'd be at riding. He'd be able to ride me all night long without even getting sore and tired. Not that I could go that long without popping, but that's still pretty hot.

"Come on, hop on," I said. "Ride me. Ride me like your unicorn!"

England looked … horrified. "Bloody hell? !"

"Get them breeches off and climb on …" I thrust my hips up once. Grinding my erection against his clothed ass. "I'm ready for ya."

England was actually trembling. "I … I can't –"

I waved the riding crop in his face. "Don't make me use this again, hehe!"

That made England freeze up. His trembling stopped and he just sat there, looking either confused or frightened or something out of his mind. But it wasn't until my hand slid under the top of his breeches, roaming down and groping at bare ass skin, that he flipped the fuck out.

He suddenly jumped off of me, his eyes wide enough to match his huge brows. "I'm not doing this!" he shouted.

"Aww," I pouted, still sitting in the hay. "Why not?"

England was jamming for the door. "Not like this!" he called to me as he bolted out of the stable.

And ran and ran and ran. He was long gone. Hella fast.

Well damn. I struck out :(

Guess I'd just have to take care of it myself. Good thing unicorns don't really exist. Or that would have been super awkward as I jerked off in that pile of hay right in front of 'Butterscotch's' stall.

X

It really bummed me out that I got rejected. I'm not really used to that. Usually when I hit on someone, they're putty in my hands, and then their ass is in my hands. Well, okay, I strike out sometimes. Sometimes I get a slap to the face or a drink thrown on me or a kick to the nuggets. But all and all, my batting average is pretty good.

The more I thought on this, the more frustrated it made me. Sexually frustrated. And jacking off wasn't cutting it. I needed some real ass. So I went down to a local British pub to try my luck there.

It wasn't hard at all. I easily took two British girls back to a hotel with me. And had lots of sexy times with them. Both of them at the same time. Seriously … I didn't even put in that much effort. Those British girls were easy. So why wasn't England?

I pondered this as I lay back in the hotel bed, one girl on each side of me. They each smoked their post-sex cigarettes, and I sucked on a post-sex 32 oz. Fanta.

"You must really be a fan of this country," said one of the girls, taking a drag. "To scream out 'England!' when you came."

"Uh … yeeeah," I replied. "I love y'all's … umm … culture and big clock and stuff." Nice save, huh?

I got outta there pretty quick the next morning. I had only one thing on my mind. Before I left for my own soda-Nazi country I had one goal to accomplish: I was gonna bang England.

I just hooked up with two of his women. So I knew it could be done. Clearly my game was fine. This must be England's issue … right?

Hmm. He'd told me the reason he didn't want to do it was that he didn't want to do it … 'this way.' So obviously I wasn't doing it that way he liked. I guess that riding crop just wasn't doing it for him.

And that's when it dawned on me … England must be super kinky.

I mean, he's apparently got all those dirty magazines in his bedroom! I'm sure they're full of things so graphic and scandalous it'd make even France blush like a little Catholic schoolgirl. LOL picture that. Him being embarrassed and tittering nervously in a plaid schoolgirl skirt and going like "SACRE BLEU!" Hehe, that's a funny mental image.

Clearly England needed some hardcore stuff to get off. I was gonna really have to step up my game if I was gonna get his motor running. It needed to be like VROOOM VROOOOMMMM!

If I was gonna do it the way England liked, I needed to go shopping. So I stopped at a local adult novelty store. Full of kinds of vibrators and dildos and anal beads and baking molds to make cakes shaped like penises. I went ahead and got one of the penis-shaped cake molds. Canada's birthday is coming up and nothing says happy birthday like a big ol' edible penis! I'll make it chocolate because if his awkwardness around Cuba is anything to go by he likes the dark meat on occasion, hehe.

But of course, the real reason I was there was to stock up on items to seduce England. I bought all kinds of things. A regular whip wouldn't do. No, I learned that from striking out with the riding crop. I needed something even kinkier: a cat o' nine tails. That's different from the Pokemon Ninetales. It's a like a bunch of whips all in one. Well, like nine in one. So that when I hit him with it, it's more painful than just the one. It's super kinky ;)

I also bought a paddle. Friggin' rip-off because I could have just popped off to Wal*mart and gotten one much cheaper made for ping pong, but whatever. I didn't have time for that. And I wanted to paddle England's ass. And I'm sure he'd want it too. He'd bend over for me, begging for it, pleading for me to strike him with it on the ass. And I so would. I'd paddle him like it was an event at the Olympics. (Well, it is, but not with asses.) (Though that would be cool!)

I gots lots of other goodies too. It'd be worth it if that's what it took to get England in bed with me. I got some rope - so much rope you could hang yourself with it. Not that I would, because then I wouldn't get laid. I also got handcuffs. And not the fuzzy kind, that's for pussies. And England must be hardcore. I got the real kind that'll probably leave marks. And I also got a blindfold, because I dunno, it was pretty cheap compared to the rest of that stuff. Seriously. Who knew getting kinky was so expensive!

I had enough BDSM stuff to put that 50 Shades of Grey book to shame. This was gonna be hella kinky.

But there was one more thing I wanted to get. Because I wanted this to be perfect. So good there was no way it wouldn't be the way England liked, and I would definitely not get rejected again. But I needed some supplies and I'd already left the store.

In fact, I was camping out in front of England's house. On his front lawn.

"What are you doing out here?" asked England, walking up to me.

"England," I said in my determined voice. "I need some wood."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID LOLOLOLOLOL

"And a hammer," I said. "And some nails. And other woodworking equipment."

England gave me a weird look. "What for?"

"Carpentry," I said as if it was obvious because it was, duh! "What, you dissing carpentry? Because Jesus was a carpenter so if you gotta problem with it you can just ask yourself WWJD. Because he would do carpentry."

"But what are you building?"

"It's a secret!" I said. "Hey, by the way, can I crash at your place? I don't really feel like paying for another hotel room."

England rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just do try to behave yourself."

"Cool beans."

He huffed and walked away. Good. He was none the wiser to my plan! To build a Saint Andrew's Cross! :D

What's that, you wonder? Well, if you wonder, you are clearly not as kinky as England. But don't worry, I'll explain it for you sheltered boys and girls. A Saint Andrew's Cross is like a big X. A person is bound to the X, with their arms and legs restrained on it. So their arms are up and their legs spread-eagle.

Imagine England on that thing. Bound and spreading himself for me. His ass vulnerable, turning red in stripes as I strike him over and over with the cat o' nine tails and he's moaning for me to just put it in him already but no not yet I wanna tease him just a little longer and hear his desperate voice because that is really turning me on—

The hell was I talking about. Oh yeah. Building that cross. Jesus would be proud!

Or … just kidding. Because after I got all my supplies and tried to build it, I had more trouble than I thought I would. I was out in England's yard for hours trying to put together that damn thing! It was sooooo hard! Why couldn't they make an easy to put together version of a Saint Andrew's Cross? Like an IKEA version? I shall have to speak to Sweden about this.

I sighed, squatting on the grass beside a sawhorse I hadn't even gotten to use yet. I was leaning over my design plans, trying to figure out what the hell I had written. Why did I write this in crayon …

I don't know why I was having so much trouble. I used to be great at woodworking! I used to do it all the time! But I guess I've gotten lazy in the modern years. I'm not as good with my hands as I used to be. (At least not with wood, because I'm good with my hands for other things, HURR HURR.) (I meant actual wood wood, not boner wood.) (Because the joke was that I am good with my hands for naughty things. I apologize if my jokes are too advanced for you.)

As I sat in the grass looking over my plans, I heard a soft thump beside me. I looked over and saw that my two bags from the adult novelty store were sitting on the grass next to me.

I looked back and England was standing behind me. He'd tossed them there.

"You left those on the kitchen table."

I glanced at them but didn't move. I wonder if he looked inside …

"I won't stand for any overnight guests," England said. "Whatever plans you have, you can take them elsewhere. But not in my house."

"I'm not planning on bringing over any guests," I replied.

"Then why did you buy all those …" England stopped himself. "No, I don't even want to know."

I think part of the reason I was having so much trouble building the cross was I kept getting distracted by my own thoughts. My own naughty thoughts, hehe. I kept daydreaming and fantasizing about what it'd be like to use it. Picturing England strapped up to that thing, and all the things I'd do to him. Now with him standing beside me, it was even worse. I was picturing him naked, imagining me bending him over the sawhorse, smacking his ass right before shoving myself inside –

"You should come inside," said England. "It's starting to get dark."

I suppose he was right. Sharp tools and the dark don't mix too well. But you know what does go well with the dark …

I glanced over and saw the paddle I'd bought, poking out from one of the bags.

"I saved you some leftovers from dinner," England said, starting to turn around to head back to the house. "I don't want to hear any jokes about my cooking either. You've run out of actually funny ones."

I grabbed the paddle. "Hey, England! Wait!"

He stopped and faced me. "What is it?"

I stood up. "Don't you wanna take a guess at what I'm building?"

England did not look amused. "You said it was a secret."

"Well … yeeeeeah," I said, being all coy. "But that doesn't mean you can't take a guess."

"I don't really care." He was eyeing the paddle in my hand.

I tapped the paddle against my hand. "It's for you."

"Me?" asked England all surprised. "What the hell do I need … that … for?" He pointed to what I had built so far. Which was just two pieces of wood nailed to each other. I told you I hadn't made much progress …

I tapped the paddle on my hand again, this time harder. All menacingly, hehe. "Take a guess."

"I'm not in the mood for games."

What are you in the mood for, England? A SPANKIN'? I knew you'd like to play hard to get … I bet this is why it took me so long to finally bang you. But that's okey. I like a challenge …

"You should guess," I said, stepping closer. "DO IT."

England sighed. "Fine! Is it … I don't know, it must be something stupid … a doghouse for your pet whale?"

"Um, that would be a whalehouse, wouldn't it? Duh, England." I suddenly scooped up England with just one arm, throwing him over my shoulder. I did it all nonchalantly like a badass. "And Whaley already has a whalehouse."

"THE FUCK? !" exclaimed England, squirming. "Put me down! What the hell is wrong with you? !"

I tossed him on the sawhorse. "You're a bad guesser."

I'd thrown England face first into the sawhorse. So that his upper half was on top of it, but he still stood on his legs, leaning over it. I came up behind him and pressed my chest into his back so that he couldn't move away.

Okay, screw the Saint Andrew's cross. Let's get real for a minute. I'm pretty sure I was never gonna finish that thing. But I got two whole bags of kinky crap, England bent over the sawhorse, and me pinning him down from behind with a paddle in one hand. I think this'll work ;)

"Christ, you're heavy!" bitched England beneath me. "Get off me!"

My paddle-free hand traced down England's side. Down the side of his chest, his hips, his ass. Smoothing down his sexy sweater vest ... why does that sweater vest turn me on …

My hand groped hard at his ass. Such tight, toned muscles, unf …

"Did you look in my bags, England?" I asked as I felt him up.

England was squirming underneath me, but it did no good. "Get your hand off my arse!"

I didn't. "Answer me."

"W-w-what do you think? ! Why else would I tell you not to bring over anyone for one of your liaisons? I — FUCK!"

As England was bitching, I'd pulled away my hand. So I could smack him on the ass with the paddle with the other. It was just like SMACK right on that muscle! It made quite a sound, hehe.

England startled when I did it. Again. SMACK!

"Stop hitting me with that damn thing!"

SMACK!

I hit his ass with the paddle for a third time.

I hoped this was kinky enough for England. We know how he is. A total pervert. Last time I wasn't kinky enough for him and I got rejected. But who could resist being paddled? Well, maybe a normal person. But we all know England is definitely not a normal person, hehe.

"SOMEBODY'S GETTIN' A SPANKIN'!" I said.

England tried in vain to push me off again. But I was way too heavy. I was pinning him down and there was nothing he could do about it! "Stop!" he shouted.

So I did stop. But only so I could reach around and undo his pants.

Things were about to get a little heavier ;)

"America, this is sexual harassment!" bitched England. Damn was he bad at dirty talk. He's supposed to be saying stuff like 'ohhh Americaaa! I'm such a bad boy! Punish me, OHHHHH!" all moaning and begging for it. And then I'd hit him and he'd be like 'Ohhh yes! Hit me again! I've been so naughty!" and I'd be like 'ai'ight' and paddle his ass again. What was I talking about …

Oh yeah. I was pulling down England's pants.

I slid them and his underwear down, where they caught around his knees. Meh, good enough. So then his ass was bare. I immediately got to gropin', because now I could feel it without those meddling pants in the way. I cupped that tight, hard muscle. All tensed up for some reason. Smooth and taut and I just grabbed myself a big ol' handful of it –

Suddenly, England took a swing at me. He tried to hit me in the face, but he missed.

"WHOA!" I exclaimed. "Almost got me, haha! You naughty boy~"

"FUCKING GET OFF ME!"

England sure does play hard to get! But if this is what gets his rocks off …

"You need to be punished," I said, playing along.

So I hit him again with the paddle. This time on bare skin. Ass skin. There was a loud slap of that ass skin as I whacked him with it.

"Damn!" shouted England.

I glanced down to where I'd struck. There was a red spot in the shape of the paddle on his ass. Unf that was hot …

So I hit it again.

England flinched under me, all his muscles tightening as I struck. This time he didn't say anything. He only made a grunting noise.

His ass was really red then. I think a welt was starting to form, but I'm not a doctor like Dr. Pepper so I can't be sure.

I leaned harder into him. So close my lips were in his ear.

"Is this doing it for you, England?" I whispered. "Is this what gets you hot?"

"What—"

"I know you like it kinky." My hand rubbed the red spot on his ass where I'd paddled him. The skin there felt really warm. "Am I doing it the way you like this time?"

"You are most certainly not."

FFFFFFF—

And here I thought I was doing a pretty good job! I spanked him good! Who wouldn't wanna get a good spankin' from me? With a paddle no less? This should have been hitting all his buttons. He should be loving this. I gave it my best! What was I doing wrong? :(

"Well, I got two whole bags full of goodies," I said. "What do you like? You're gonna have to give me a hint. You want me to flog you with a cat o' nine tails?"

"The hell? !"

"No? Well, I could tie you up, blindfold you—"

"Jesus Christ!" England was trembling pretty hard.

"Damn, you're hard to please! Nothing but the kinkiest for you, huh? Guess we'll just have to wait until I finish this Saint Andrew's cross. If I can—"

When I said 'Saint Andrew's cross,' England flipped out. He finally squirmed from underneath me and flipped around. And kneed me right in the balls.

"FFFffffffffff …" I hissed in pain, dropping to the ground.

England quickly jumped away. "You are so perverted!"

"My ballssssssss …" I moaned, now lying on my side on the ground, holding my crushed nards.

"You stay far away from my house!" said England as he bolted. "You're not allowed to stay here anymore! Go get a hotel for all your perversions!"

That's all I could hear, because by then he was too far away. He bolted so fast. He got back to his house and slammed the door shut.

Well, fuck. I struck out again. And got kneed right in the stones. This was no good. Especially since I was hard and he kinda got my dick too when he hit me so yeah that was painful!

Was that how England rolled? He likes that rough? What was that called again … cock and ball torture? That's his thing? Goddamn. I'm kinky, but I'm not that kinky. Even I'm not at that level. I saw all kinds of stuff for that like ball stretchers and cock straps and rings at the novelty store but skipped by it. I figured even that was too much for England.

But apparently not. Apparently if you wanna get in England's pants, you gotta go to the big leagues. Looks like I got some research to do.

To Wikipedia!

X

I derped around on Wikipedia for a little bit, but gave up kinda fast. It's not really the best go-to place for learning about paraphilia. (That's the scientific word for kinky shit. I did learn that on Wikipedia.) Wikipedia is almost all text and no pictures. Who wants to read that? If I wanted that I would have gone down to the libary and gotten a chapter book. No thanks. Books are for nerds.

Instead of doing research the hard way, I figured it was much easier to just ask someone else. It's quicker and you know how I hate waiting! Even on myself.

I asked Germany first. I heard he's into some hardcore pr0n. Like … really hardcore. The stuff normal people skip over when they go a-fappin' on youporn or redtube. He goes straight past the normal stuff to the crazy sections!

But when I asked him about it over the phone, he started stuttering and stammering and crap.

"W-w-who said I look at pornography?" he asked all defensively.

"Italy," I replied. "He said you're into some hardcore stuff. Some of it apparently involves dogs?"

"Scheisse," he muttered.

"I'm not looking to involve any animals, but what other kinky crap do you know about? Like … the craziest things you can think of. I mean the wildest, kinkiest, balls-to-the-wall freaky shit."

"H-h-how should I know? !"

Denial. Pssh. Ain't just a river in Ethiopia. Or Egypt. One of the two. What am I, Google Maps? Hey did you know there's a country in Africa called Djibouti? That's pronounced like DJBOOTY? That has nothing to do with anything, I just think it's lulzy.

"Look, don't even deny it," I told him. "Oh, by the way, with that stuff with the dogs … who … who tops? The dogs, right? Because otherwise that's animal cruelty and you better watch out or Sarah McLaughlin is gonna come over there and sing a sad song showing the hurt dogs and asking people to donate to save them and you're gonna be in big trouble with—"

Click.

Damn Kraut hung up on me! GRRRR! So rude. People these days, am I right?

So next I tried asking Japan. I heard he's into some kinky shit. I mean, we've all heard of the hentai with the tentacle porn and the schoolgirls who get raped with the tentacles that you might have borrowed one time but never got around to giving it back because you just know they know what you did even if you got it all in the tissue of course so it now it just sits under your bed in a shoebox labeled Christmas Decorations but you know they're not really Christmas decorations you just wrote that in case a friend or your alien stumbles across it and you don't want them to find it. Well, I mean, that's the stereotype anyway.

Japan told me about this crazy stuff called guro and vore. I'd never even heard of it! At first I was like, sweet. Something to try! Like when Ben & Jerry's come out with a new ice cream flavor and it's something crazy that you think sounds gross like Vanilla Bean Ice Cream with a Salty Caramel Swirl & Fudge Covered Potato Chip Clusters (real flavor!) but of course it tastes good. I got the same feeling when Japan told me those words!

Then he told me what they were :/

"You know …" I said to him. "I think if I ate England or chopped his limbs off … he probably won't wanna have sex with me. He'll probably wanna go to the hospital."

"I see," replied Japan. "I was lost in the fantasy and forgot that it does not apply to real rife situations."

"Not unless you're Hannibal Lector …" I mumbled. "Or that other guy from the movie who killed the women to skin them to make a suit out of their skin. Aw man. That is such a good movie."

"Ah, I just thought of one of my country's paraphilias that can be applied real situations," said Japan. Whoo. I knew a big word he said :D Thanks Wikipedia! "It is called omorashi … which in your language would be panty wetting or bladder desperation."

"Eew."

"It is a fetish in my country."

"What isn't a fetish in your country?"

Japan hesitated.

"Haha, never mind," I said. "Pissing your pants, huh? I'm pretty kinky but somehow that doesn't do it for me. I haven't peed myself since eighth grade and I don't plan on starting to any time soon, thank you very much."

"D-did you say eighth grade?"

"What am I gonna doooo?" I whined, intentionally not answering his question. "I'm out-kinked here! I just wanna know what England likes so I can GET IN THEM PANTS!"

"Perhaps you should talk to France."

"Hmm … yeah! He's probably nailed England before AND he's a total pervert! I'm sure he can think of some pretty hardcore stuff. Not like your gross pants-wetting."

"America, prease. I didn't even bring up coprophilia—"

Click. Okay, that was my time to be rude. Because I learned that word on Wikipedia too and BLEEECCCHHH!

So then I gave Francey Pants a call. He gave me the normal French 'tude at first, but as soon I started talking about sex, his tone changed dramatically.

"Ahh, you have called ze right person," said France. "But let me get zis straight … you want to know zis … for England?"

"Yeah, England," I said. "I'm trying to bang him."

"And you are sure he is into le kinky things?"

"Oh yeah, dude. That's apparently the only stuff that gets him off."

"My goodness," said France. "And here I thought he was … how you say … untouched territory? Permanently solitary in ze le bed? A very lonely island, hmm?"

"LONELY ISLAND? !" I exclaimed. "I love that band."

"I think I know what you should try," said France. "Since you are looking for ze very kinky and you said you think he is into cock and ball torture … I suggest le sounding."

"WHOA SOUNDING? !" I exclaimed. I was very exclaimy that day. "That is hella kinky."

"Oui~ … but zat is what you wanted, no?"

"Yeah, it's just … damn. That's even a little too much for me."

"It's not worth it if it allows you to strip England of his sweater vest and tweed pants and have your way with him?"

UNFFF. What is it about that sweater vest that turns me ON? !

"Okay, okay," I sighed. "Yes, it's worth it. I'll do it if it means getting laid."

"I expect a full report! Call me first thing in the morning after and share every last detail~"

"Dude, I don't kiss and tell. I also don't sound and tell."

"But you simply mussssst!"

Click. LOL, I'm such a hypocrite. Hanging up on people. But whatever. They actually deserved it!

Besides, I had shit to do. Moar supplies to get. I needed to get a sound. Back to the adult novelty store!

If you're wondering what sounding is, CALM DOWN. Gosh. I'm gonna tell you. So just simmer down and listen. It's where you take something long, thin, and rod-shaped … and jam it up your peehole.

I know what you're thinking. ZOMGWTFBBQ. I know. It's pretty nuts. And while you'd think shoving something up into your penis would hurt, it supposedly feels really, really good. I say supposedly because I've never done it myself. I mean, I've seen it in porn once or twice, but I've never gone through with it. I mean, not that I failed at it. I mean, not that I even tried in the first place. I mean, not like I saw a gel pen (remember them things? They were cool in the 90's!) and wondered if it would fit like in that video I saw. Fun Fact: you need lube to do this. I learned that from … the porn. Yeah.

So I was off to buy a real sound. Only a legit one would do for England! Wouldn't want him to have to make do with a gel pen and have the tip of his penis colored blue for days like m – the guy in the porn.

X

So I went out and bought a sound. It's called a Dittle. LOL isn't that a lulzy name? I love it. DITTLES … TASTE THE RAINBOW. Actually, it sounds like a word a kid would use for masturbation, like "Hey Pee Wee Herman diddled himself at the movies!" (y'all remember that? Good thing in wasn't in Chairry! Chairry would have been scarred for life.) Not that kids should know what masturbation is to begin with, but whatever.

Anyway, I totally got ripped off. Nearly fifty bucks for a tiny metal rod? REALLY? I mean, I could have just gotten a thermometer for like eight bucks at Wal*mart. A lot of people use those for sounds because they're cheap and easy to get. But they're glass and if they break … yeeeeah. A broken off piece of glass in your penis would be hellacious. I don't think England would put out then, LOL. Also thought about just going to like Home Depot and picking up a big long nail, then rounding off the sharp part. But nooooo only the best for England! I couldn't leave any room for screwing this up.

I also picked up some lube. As much as I could. Made me wonder. New York's possible ban on liquids over 32 oz. wouldn't apply to lube, right? RIGHT? I mean, I know 32 oz. is a LOT but come on. I wanna have that option open. And sometimes … you just gotta have a lot of lube. I can't be assed to buy two 16 oz. bottles of lube just like I can't be assed to buy two 16 oz. cups of soda. Like I want two separate containers. Bloomberg, please.

Shortly after I bought the sound, England called me. He told me to come move all the shit I'd left out in his yard. Which was great, because I needed an excuse to come back over to his house anyway. That worked out. Because I didn't wanna wait because I told you I hate waiting! Though I have already established that.

So I headed right over there. I gathered up all the wood and crap I'd left out and tossed it into his neighbor's yard. There. Somebody else's problem now! I whistled casually as I walked away. Doo doo doo …

Then I knocked on England's door.

He didn't look happy at all when he answered it. "Oh – it's you. Did you move all your shit?"

"Yes."

"Good." England started to close the door, but I stopped him with my foot. "Hey, move it."

"Wait! I wanted to tell you something."

England sighed but reopened the door. "What is it?"

"I just wanted to apologize for yesterday …" I said, looking away. "I thought you'd like it, because I know now I was wrong."

"You were wrong," he snapped.

"Yeah, I didn't realize it wasn't your thing. My bad."

"Well …" God England looked so uncomfortable. "Now you know."

"Yeah. And now that I do know what your real deal is, can I stay tonight?"

"Wha – no! Not after what you did!"

"Pleeeeeease?" I begged. "I don't have hotel room and I don't feel like finding one it'd be so much easier to just spend the night here please please please?"

"No."

I just stood there, wiggling my eyebrows. Like come onnn … come onnnn … let meeee …

Seconds went by. England standing there awkwardly and me just wagging my eyebrows suggestively. It went on so long it started to get awkward. And my eyebrow muscles were starting to get sore. I should do eyebrow exercises more often. I'm sure England knows what I'm talking about. I bet he had to do a lot to support his Wooly Willy-inspired brows, LOL.

Finally, England sighed and threw his hands up. "Fine! You can stay the night."

"Yaaaaay!"

"Just absolutely do not try anything like yesterday."

He opened the door for me. "Of course not," I replied slyly. I know that's not kinky enough for you. You're in for a treat tonight. You're gonna get it good, you limey little slut … I bet you'll be moaning as soon as I jam that Dittle into your hole … you're gonna love your cock stuffed because you're kinky like that, so kinky you put even me to shame, but I'll be enjoying the show, hell I'll probably pop just watching you scream in pleasure as I fill your cock up with that long metal—

"I'm watching Dr. Who," said England, interrupting my fantasy. "Don't interrupt me."

" … oh."

England spent the whole evening watching a Dr. Who marathon. He sat on the couch, eyes flicking back and forth between the screen and his knitting. He was knitting a scarf like the one in Harry Potter. LOL Hufflepuff pattern? Who the hell wants a Hufflepuff scarf?

As I watched, sitting in a nearby chair, I couldn't help but think … damn. I really did get ripped off. Those knitting needles would have made a perfect sounding device! They'd fit right up into a cock hole! And I'm sure they're much cheaper.

"Should have gone to Michael's …" I muttered to myself.

"Who is Michael?" asked England.

I tried to figure out if I detected any jealously. But England is very hard to read. "Uh – nobody. It's a craft store."

"Oh." England looked back down to his knitting. Damn. Still couldn't tell if he was jelly or not.

More time went by, more episodes went by. England apparently had a DVD box set or something. I hate waiting but a couple hours for sex would be worth it.

It was past midnight before he finally cut the show off. He'd just finished his last night-night cup of tea.

"It's getting late," he said, stretching. "We should go to bed."

"Hehe, yeah," I said slyly. Playing coy. Oh England. An invitation to bed … oh I know you want this. You want me to get this right. Even though I didn't do what you liked the first two times, you still have faith in me. And you are right to. Because I am gonna give you the sexual thrill of your life …

I had it all worked out. Sounding is an art. There's a particular way you do it, and it makes the difference between a lot of pain and possibly even internal damage … and mind-blowing, room shaking orgasms. Well, that's what I've heard anyway.

I also heard how to do it the right way. You actually don't need to do too much work. At least, not too much movement. A little is the perfect amount. So here's what I was gonna do. First, I was gonna stick the sound in England's cock. Duh. Stuff his cock full. As far I as can. You can actually hit the prostate this way. That's a fun fact you won't find on a Snapple cap. Anyway, then I will hold it straight out, because the metal sounds are hella heavy and if you drop it you can break someone's penis in half! Yikers. So I don't wanna do that. (Unless England's into that.) (God I hope England's not into that.)

Then, while holding the sound, I'm gonna hit it with something metal. Like a spoon or something, haven't figured that out yet. So it's metal hitting metal and it makes that CLAAAANG! noise. And reverberates. Like vibrates. And the metal vibrations are gonna go down the sound and into his penis. And he is gonna cry out and moan and cum everywhere like "OHHHHH AMERICA THAT FEELS SO BLOODY GOOD HNGGGGGGH!" and spluurrrt!

Hehe, yeah.

OR! I also had another plan. If he can stand this much movement. I was gonna take one of the little vibrators I picked up from the adult store (yeah I got one of them too. Don't tell Obama where all this money is going. We'll blame the economy. Yeeeah. The economy.) So I'd take the vibrator, and take his cock, stuffed with the metal sound. Then I'd hold the vibrator up against the sound. And the vibrations from the toy would be sent down the metal to his cock, vibrating from the inside out. And he'll moan my name for sure for that one. If he can form actual words. Might just be some mindless screaming. And then he'll blow his load all over the sound and it will be beautiful.

Yep. That was my plan. See now why it was worth waiting for? ;)

X

So we both went to bed. England went to his bedroom, and I went to the guestroom. Of course, that was just a pit stop. Just so I could change into my jammies. Okay, really, just my boxers. No point in putting all my jammies on if I'm just gonna take them right back off, am I right? Anyway, I grabbed the Dittle sound and the lube, and was off for England's room.

Creeeeak went the creaky old door. England's house sure was spooky. I hope it wasn't haunted. Those ghosts would be in for quite a show tonight! Though actually … that is pretty terrifying. The thought of ghosts watching you while you have sex, maybe even getting off on it, touching their little ghost penises …

… shit I am gonna have some weird-ass nightmares tonight! D:

But oh well. Hopefully there won't be too much sleeping. If ya know what I mean! WINK WINK.

I crawled into England's bed. I was giggling like HEHEHEHE because I was all excited! But guess what. England was already asleep! Dang, he's quick. I was all snuggled up under the covers beside him, and he was just lying there like ZZZZZZZZZ

I lay on my side, resting my head on my hand. "Psst, England, wake up," I said, poking him in the chest with my other hand.

"Mmm," he mumbled when I poked him. He stirred in his sleep but didn't wake up.

So I poked harder. "Dude, seriously. Get up."

He was lying on his back. He tensed up when I poked him again, but didn't wake up. WTF! What kind of heavy sleeper was he? He was like Snorlax and I do not play the Pokeflute, you guys. (Just the skin flute, HURR HURR.)

"Mmm, ohh …" he mumbled all sleepily when I kept poking him. "Flying … Mint Bunny … I told you to use … the litter box for that … zzzz …"

I stopped poking. England was clearly in sleepy slumberland. But I was not gonna wait until morning for this. Oh no. You guys know how I feel about waiting. England was asleep but he seemed to be responding to me. So I had an awesome idea …

Guess what it is. No, seriously. Guess. Think on it. You got it?

AAAAEEEENT WRONG! You're so silly, boys and girls. The real answer? I was gonna fondle England in his sleep until he woke up! Get him all warmed up so that when he did finally wake up he'd be all hot and bothered and ready for it. He'll roll right over and beg me for it! And I'll be like DON'T MIND IF I DO~ and then we'll have some good sexings.

So my hand traveled down. Down to between his legs. And I lightly cupped myself a handful of sleepy flaccid Brit cock.

England mumbled in his sleep again. A weird little "mmph" sound, but then he simmered down again.

"Pffftchhhppfftt," I snickered. Oh man. England was gonna love this. I bet this is one of his fantasies. I mean, we all know he's kinky like that. Who wouldn't want a big, strapping, handsome guy (that's me, you guys!) to sneak into their bed and take advantage of them as they slept? Well … what kind of kinky person wouldn't want that? I bet he thinks about stuff like that as he touches himself and chokes himself and smashes his balls in a vice grip or whatever else crazy crap he does to get off.

I tried that once. Not that ball smashing, hells no. I got my limits. And those are tender things! They need to be treated with care, like little baby ducklings between your legs. No, I tried choking myself once while jacking it because I heard that feels really, really good. Autoerotic asphyxiation, the scientists call it. I liked it all right, but it's not worth having to wear turtle necks every day until the bruises on your neck heal! Because what was I gonna say when someone asked me what caused that? Oh yeah, I was dicking around and choked myself with my tie to get off? LOL, no. Turtle necks it was and dude … turtle necks are gay.

But back to my non-gay story of me fondling another guy in his sleep.

I rubbed my hand over his junk as he slept. It was over his clothes but I could still feel the outline of it. I did it lightly, so he wouldn't wake up immediately. I wanted him to get at least a little hard before that happened.

England was making some faces. Like he was stirring in his sleep. He mumbled too, sounds like "mmm" and "mmmph."

"Yeah, you like that?" I whispered. I gripped him a little harder through his jammies fabric. "How about this, hmm?"

"Mmm …"

"Hehe, yeah. You're so naughty. You're gonna love this."

England made another noise, similar to a moan, like "ohhhh …." I wasn't sure but close enough! That's all I needed to move on to the next step …

I slipped my hand inside his pajama pants. Very carefully! I felt around, playing pants hide-and-seek for England's penis. "Ready or not here I come~" I said as I groped for it. Then I found it. Got myself another good handful. "Yay, I found it—"

"Nnnhuh?" England stirred awake.

D:

Oh fuck.

Was it too soon? I better make him want it or he might kick me out the door! Or in the balls again. And I already told you they are tender as baby ducks.

England's eyes fluttered open. They took a minute to adjust, but then he looked to me. He saw me lying on my side right beside him, my hand down his jammies pants, and cupping his penis.

He was so shocked that his mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out. He trembled slightly. And he turned as pale as ghost that was probably watching and invisibly fapping to this. Pervert ghosts …

"Oh, hey. Sup?"

That was a smooth thing to say to someone when you get caught with your hand down their pants, right? Well, whatever. I didn't know what else to say. I was caught off-guard. I was caught red-handed. Dick-handed, actually. What do you say when you're caught dick-handed?

England finally managed to say something. "Y-you're … you're touching me …" he stammered.

Crap. He said that it in an OMGWTFBBQ kinda way. Not a sexy "ohhh you're touching me~" let's-get-it-on-and-do-some-boning kinda way.

I guess I still wasn't doing it the way he liked :/

But I had to try!

So I started to stroke him. Not just fondling anymore. I was pumping him like I pump myself at home when I watch the free porn samples online on my MacBook Pro because hell if I'm giving them my credit card when I can just play the same 30 second clips and get off on that just as easily and really who wants to have to sit there and type out their credit card number and expiration date and security code and all that crap when you got your pants unzipped and your erect cock out and all ready for a good fapping?

Anyway. Yeah. That's how I stroked England. Hard and fast.

England quickly sat up. And tensed up. He was trembling more. "W-w-what the fuck are you doing? !" he asked, looking down with big ol' eyes.

"I think you know," I said slyly, giving him a wink ;) "Does it feel good?"

"STOP AT ONCE!"

I pulled my hand out his pants. But don't be disappointed. Things are about to get saucy up in here. Know why? Because I yanked his jammies pants down.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed England.

He went to reach for them but I pinned his arms down. Because I climbed on top of him.

"You're half hard," I said as I straddled over him. "So it did feel good, huh?"

"Why the hell were you molesting me in my sleep? !"

"Shhh …" I sat back, releasing his arms. I crawled backward over his body, then leaned over for something … "You don't gotta be like that this time. Because I finally figured out the sorta stuff you like …"

England looked confused. "Eh?"

I held up the Dittle sound in one hand and the lube in the other. "HMMM? !" I said excitedly. "How's this sound, huh?"

Get it? SOUND? Because I'm using a Dittle sound? LOL puns.

Then England looked even more confused. "What is that?"

Hmm. That's a weird thing for England to say. I mean, he's kinky as fuck. He knows what a sound is. But maybe he's used to the other kind? Because there's more than one kind. The other kind is called the Van Buren or Van Halen (HOT FOR TEACHERRRRR) or something and it's curved. I didn't get that kind because you can't get a boner with it and what's the fun in that? Though some people like it … because of the pleasure denial … sooooo if that was England's thing I was in for one freaky night! :D

Oh well. I could show him the straight ones are good too. Like Aladdin sung to Jasmine in that movie, I CAN SHOW YOU THE WOOOORRRLD~!

I sat in between England's legs. I popped open the lube and poured it over the Dittle sound. It dribbled all over the sheets. "Sorry I'm making a mess, but you know you're just gonna have to wash these sheets anyway, haha." I hesitated. "Maybe the mattress too, if we get REALLY crazy! Wait … how do you clean a mattress? Because I don't know. I'm sure you do, hehe …"

I don't want to know what kind of freaky crap has gone on in England's bed! LOL.

"The hell is wrong with you? !"

I set the lube aside. "Sorry, jeez! It's hard not to make a mess lubing that sorta thing up."

"I wasn't talking about the mess, I was talking about the fact that you're – ffffuuuuu —" England sorta trailed off into this strangled choking hiss.

Because I grabbed his cock with my now lube-bottle-free hand. Real tight. "Hehe … you like that, huh?"

England didn't respond. He just sat there, looking down at my hand gripping his half-hard cock, and trembled with this super shocked look on his face.

"Welp, you're gonna like this a lot more …"

England's eyes met mine. "What?" he asked very quickly. "What are you going to d — OH FUCK."

Interruption number two! This time it was because I pushed the tip of the Dittle sound into the tip of his cock. Yep, I just sorta pressed that metal thing up against his peehole and slid it in.

England started shaking even more. That's good, right? "W-w-what are you doing? !" he could barely get the words out. "T-t-take it out!"

I slowly kept pushing it in. Inch by inch. I counted in my mind … 1 inch, AH AH AH! 2 inches, AH AH AH! I counted like the Count on Sesame Street, LOL. Because he was the one who taught me numbers :)

With one hand, I held the sound steady. With my other, I held England by the base of his cock to help support the weight. (That sound was heavy!) Though I did start rubbing my fingers along the base of his cock, trying to get him harder.

I kept pushing until I ran out of cock to push into. He was fully stuffed. Cock stuffed. Double stuffed. No wait that's Oreos.

"Mmm, how is it?" I asked, giving him a sexy look.

England couldn't stop staring down. "Oh my God …" he said with a weird voice. "What have you done … I'm afraid to move …"

"Don't worry, I'll do all the work. You got something metal?"

"W-what for? !"

"To clang against it for some vibrations."

"Just, please! Take it out!"

I was confused. Did it work? Was England so turned on he wanted it out so we could get to the regular sex? (Well, regular as sex with kinky England would be, hehe.) Or did he legit not like this? And I'd STILL not done what he'd liked? I couldn't tell.

"Why did you do this to me …" said England, still looking hardcore shocked. "What even gave you the idea …?"

I made a pouty face. Because that didn't sound happy. :( "Well … I really wanted to have sex with you …"

"Wait … THAT'S THE HOLE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE? !" he exclaimed.

"Uh …"

"My God … all this time … for gay sex … I thought the penis was inserted into the rect- … oh bloody hell …"

"UHHHHH …"

"What was I thinking …"

"… dude, are you for real? This is not how it's normally done …"

"Well, that's what I originally thought but I never – damn it, that's unimportant! What is important is you taking that bloody rod out of my damned penis!"

I sure hope it's not bloody. I mean I used lots of lube …

But I listened to England. I sighed as I slowly pulled the sound out. When it was out I looked at it. Phew, no blood.

"I'm sorry, England," I said, looking away. "I really thought you'd like that … I thought it was like … your thing …"

England quickly pulled his pants up. "I don't know why you would think that."

"I'm sorry, jeez! My bad! I was only trying to please you!"

England huffed and looked away.

"Well … um … I kinda give up …" I said sheepishly, fiddling with the Dittle sound so I didn't have to look him in the eyes. It was all wet and sticky. "I've tried everything. This game's gone on too long — it's like in overtime or something. Can you please just tell me how you like it? Or at least gimme a hint?"

"… what?"

"Just however you like to do it, whatever weird kink you have, I don't care. Just tell me and we can do it." I smiled up at him. "I don't care how, I just really, really wanna have sex with you …"

"I don't have any weird kinks!" said England. "Who told you that?"

"Uh … I thought it was obvious?"

"Of course not!"

OOPS. My bad, LOL. Well, you know what they say when you assume! You make an ASS out of U and ME! Even though I was after ass all along … hmm …

I shrugged. "Well … um, okay. We can do it the normal way. I'm not picky." I chucked the sound over my shoulder and picked the lube bottle up. "Roll over."

"What? !" exclaimed England, backing himself up against the headboard of his bed. "No!"

"Crap, you wanna top don't you? … Auugh … FINE, I'll let you if you're really good at it. Are you good at it? BE HONEST."

England still couldn't stop trembling! "H-how should I know? !"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, usually, you can tell by the person you're banging … if they're moaning and cumming, you're probably doing it right."

"WHAT PERSONS? !"

You know, I never got that. Why is there both the words "persons" AND "people"?" Doesn't make a lick of sense.

"The persons you bang, duh," I said as if it was obvious. "I don't know your personal life. Your … persons life. Damnit, that sounded weird …"

"I don't 'bang' any persons!" he protested.

"Tch," I clicked my tongue. "Been a while for ya, huh? Out of practice? … maybe you should let me top then. I'm pretty good!"

"I'm not out of practice!" he said all pissed off. "I've never had sex before!"

"So your game ain't been so good, we all go through dry spells every now and th — WAIT WHAT? !"

And then my brain exploded.

WTF. Seriously. WTF you guys! DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF! No, this was worth the full OMGWTFBBQ! There was no way. England's never had sex before? ! I must have heard wrong …

"What … what did you say …?" I managed to ask.

England glanced away, embarrassed. I don't think he meant to blurt that out like that but he couldn't take it back. "I've … never had sex before."

Then my brain exploded again.

How could this have happened? ! England was way older than me. Like, a thousand years old. Yeah, wrap your head around that for a minute. A THOUSAND YEARS. Could you imagine not having sex for a THOUSAND YEARS? It had to happen at least a couple times! Just as a coincidence. Just sorta find yourself having some sex and be like "oh hey I'm having sex." Not saying that's happened to me after Jell-o shots those couple times at Applebee's (that's just for eating good in the neighborhood) (LOL insert 'eating out' joke here.) (Because I will go down, hehe) but you know what I mean.

ANYWAY. Yeah. England was apparently a virgin! A thousand year old virgin. And that movie made it sound like being a FORTY year old virgin was bad! That's small potatoes compared to England! He went friggin' CENTURIES without once gettin' it in! THE HELL? !

I mean, I lost my virginity a long time ago. And I'm way younger than England. Ahh, I remember my first time. I was pretty young and puberty was kicking my ass. Made me horny all the time. I fapped like four times a day, LOL! Then one day I went to visit Canada. And we made a snowman out in the snow and I took the carrot we used for the nose and stuck it way lower like where its crotch would be and was like "HEY CANADA LOOK IT'S A SNOW PENIS LOLOLOLOLOL" and he LOL'd too and then I put it in my mouth and then somehow one thing led to another and before we knew it we were rolling around in the snow humping on each other. I got frostbite but it was worth it!

But back to England and his non-sex-having self.

"You're a virgin?" I asked, sitting back awkwardly from him. "Like … for reals?"

"Yes …" England wouldn't look me in the eye. "Stop making me repeat myself."

"I'm sorry, it's just … wow. How did that even happen? I mean, how have you never had sex before?"

Seriously, you guys. I mean, England's not a bad looking guy. He's hot! I told you about them leg and ass muscles, unf. Who wouldn't wanna piece of that? Guys would be popping boners and girls wetting their panties and hermaphrodites doing a little of both just thinking about banging him. I know I did …

SO HOW? !

"It just never did," said England. "You know how I keep to myself."

"Yeah, but still!" Even people who keep to themselves can get laid every now and then! At least once in a thousand years! I mean, look at Canada. He's forever alone and he still got some. Don't know if he's gotten much since, but yeah, LOL …

"Haven't you heard of my policy of Splendid Isolation?"

"Haven't you heard SEX IS AWESOME?"

England sighed. "I have. Though the fact that it's been so long but I've yet to experience it has made me all but given up. I get anxious that it hasn't happened so I avoid it even more, and it has snowballed like that for years …"

Dude he said snowballs. Ahhh now I'm thinking about my first time again … hgghh …

"It's not too late!" I said. "You don't gotta be anxious! You should be excited! I mean, do you wanna go your whole life not knowing what it's like?"

"Hmm." England looked deep in thought, staring down at the sheets. "Funny you should ask. A little while back, I made myself a promise. That if it didn't happen by a certain time, I would just do it. For the hell of it. With a willing friend, or a one night stand, no strings attached, that sort of thing. Just to experience it."

"WELL DUDE!" I exclaimed. "I could be those things! What was the certain time?"

"Um …" England looked even more embarrassed. "When I turned five hundred."

HE SAID FIVE HUNDRED! Do some math, boys and girls.

"Wait a minute …" I was doing the math too. Took me a minute. "You're over five hundred years overdue then!"

"Brilliant deduction," said England, rolling his eyes.

"You're due for TWO fuckings!" I said. "One for each five hundred years." (Did math just get me a two-for-one sex coupon?)

"It doesn't work that way!"

Oh :(

"I … just don't know," said England.

"Come onnnn," I said, smirking. "Do it with me. I'll take care of ya reeeeal good. I gots lots of practice~"

"I know." Crap, England looked kinda pissed! "Which is precisely why I am even more hesitant to agree to do it with you."

"WHAT? ! WHY? !"

"You've been sexually harassing me!" he said. "Doing all these sexual things! Freaky sexual things. A riding crop, using a paddle on me, whatever the hell that metal thing was! You really scared me."

"DUDE!" I exclaimed. "I only did all those things because I thought you wanted them! I thought you were the kinky one!"

"Hardly!" England scoffed.

"Soooo … you were intimidated by me because I was trying to do all kinds of kinky stuff to you and you were a virgin. And I was intimidated by you because I thought you were super kinky and I wouldn't be able to keep up!"

"I suppose so …"

I gave a little wave. "Haha! What a silly misunderstanding!" Then I realized something. "Oh! But what about all those dirty magazines you keep in your room?"

England looked insulted. "What dirty magazines?"

"Sealand said you have a stash of secret books in your bedroom!"

England hesitated for a moment. Then he leaned down and under his bed. I saw his ass crack when he leaned over like that. Shhh don't tell him I was ogling him like that, hehe. Anyway, then he pulled out a stack of books and threw them in between us on the bed.

"You mean these?"

I looked down at them. All kinds of spooky looking books full of spooky things.

"What the hell is that?" I asked.

"They're books on the occult," said England. "Most of them are spell books. Not that dark magic is my primary kind – obviously I prefer not to summon the devil if I can avoid it — but I have used these before."

"Necro …. Necro … FFFFF – how do you even say these titles? !"

"Necronomicon," corrected England. If you thought we were gonna say 'necrophilia' you're a perv, LOL. "Obviously I don't want a child to have access to spells and works on dark magic or Satan."

"Or Lovecraft," I said. "Cthulhu would not like that."

"Indeed," said England. "Why you thought they were pornographic is beyond me."

There I go assuming again! Silly me~

"Well, I'm sorry, England. I had no idea. I didn't mean to scare you. Do you forgive my derpy self?"

Awkward silence.

"Listen, um, America …" England finally said, putting the books away. "Regarding all this … you know. It's not like I've never given it thought."

"Yeah?" I asked, getting a little excited even though he didn't really answer my question.

"Yes … including with you. It's — it's certainly crossed my mind before."

Oh man. England is implying some heavy stuff here … I tried to contain my excitement even though on the inside I was like OH BOY WHERE IS THIS GOING? !

"I feel like … despite how absolutely daft you are … well … damnit, I forgot where I was going with that, but .."

Crap was does daft mean …

"I might be willing …" continued England, with a shaky voice. "… t-to do it with you."

"WOW REALLY? !"

:D

BOW CHICKA WOW WOW~

"Cool beans," I said. "Let me just get my penis out—"

"N-not now!" England quickly added.

"Awww …" I pouted.

"I'm not mentally prepared. Perhaps … in time … I may be …"

Craaaaap. I hate waiting! I have mentioned that many a time in this epic tale. "How long?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "Maybe a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, maybe even years …"

FFFFFFFF—

"Well, actually … maybe my birthday?" England looked like he was thinking. "That's about, oh, five months away? I suppose that could be my birthday present."

FIVE MONTHS? ! I don't even like waiting five minutes for sex! Foreplay doesn't usually last that long with me. I'm not very patient. I'm like ROLL OVER AND LET'S DO THIS WHOOOOOO! (orrrr I roll over. Depends on what I'm in the mood for, hehe.)

"I'll say my birthday … tentatively …" said England. "But I may change my mind."

"Are you sure?" I asked sheepishly.

"I'm sure."

I sighed. A long, heaving one that just kept going and going until I ran out of air. "Fine."

An awkward pause.

"… I guess you want me to sleep in the guestroom, don't you?" I asked.

England nodded. "… yes."

I sighed again as I hopped off the bed. Neither one of us said anything else as I walked awkwardly out of the bedroom. I glanced back when I made it to the threshold to the doorway, hoping I'd see England change his mind and give me a COME AND GET IT~ look. But that was just wishful thinking. He'd already rolled over and was facing the wall.

"Dang," I muttered as I closed the door behind me.

Cockblocked again :/

X

I couldn't get to sleep. I'd lie there for a while, sleep wouldn't come, so I'd roll over in a new position, but nothing. It just wasn't happening. My brain was going too crazy! It wouldn't stop thinking about England and his virgin issues and how the hell he went that long without getting any and what it would be like and how he looks naked and how tight he must be if he's never been penetrated and how good that would feel …

Well, eventually, I got sorta horny thinking about all that crap. So I rubbed one out. After I came, I felt a lot better, and finally went to sleep. With the wad still in my hand, LOL. Oops. Oh well, I just washed it off in the bathroom in the morning.

Yep, in the morning, I cleaned off the crusty jizz, got myself dressed, and went to the kitchen to see if England was awake yet. He was. He was making breakfast for us. Sausages and oatmeal. Does than even go together? I don't even know.

He finished making the oatmeal first, and set a bowl of it in front of me at the table. Then he returned to frying the sausages. But he didn't say a word the whole time. Not when I came into the room, not when I sat down, not when he gave me the oatmeal, not even when I squealed EEEEEEEE when I took my first bite because that shit was hot! I stuck my tongue out and waved my hand in front of my face, but still, he was silent.

He didn't say anything until he finished making all the food and came to sit with me. He sat across from me at the table, swirling his oatmeal.

"I was doing some thinking," he said.

"Yeah?" I replied, my mouth full of crappy oatmeal. This was definitely not Quaker Oats … that guy's got it going on. This stuff? I have no idea.

"I've changed my mind. About … what I agreed to last night."

My spoon clinked dramatically against the bowl. So dramatic! "WHAT!"

I couldn't believe it! After all that! He was gonna get my hopes up like that and then reject me all over again? ! That's messed up! I was all excited too! I even tweeted about it from my phone I was so happy! (That was before I jerked off and got my fingers all sticky. The Apple Geniuses hate when you bring in sticky iPhones, LOL.) (Not that I know from personal experience or anything.) (But seriously, why don't those air spray cans you clean your keyboard with clean out semen too? Because I got a MacBook Pro and yeah.)

"Why?" I demanded to know.

"I've decided to change the time."

Oh. DAMNIT. Now I gotta wait even LONGER! GRRRR I HATE WAITING! This sucks Mayor Bloomberg's dried out wrinkly old balls that can't even make 32 oz. of semen.

And if you're thinking, "Silly America! No one can make 32 oz. of semen!" Well, shut up. How do YOU know? You ever tried it? Because I have. I marathonned it one day just for the lulz. To see how much I could make. Poured it into an empty 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew. I bet I would have made it, but I got distracted after like the fourth time I came by a Yo Gabba Gabba marathon. What are the odds of a Yo Gabba Gabba marathon the same day I have a fapping marathon? ! Ruined everything. Also does Muno have herpes? Because I'm worried about that guy …

Anyway I HATE WAAAAAAITING!

"I would like to do it sooner," said England.

Wait, what? Did he say SOONER? Did I hear correctly? OH GLORIOUS DAY

"How soon?" I asked, trying to contain my excitement.

"Hmm," thought England. "I was thinking after I finish with breakfast and am done with cleaning the dishes."

Oatmeal went EVERYWHERRRRE

It sprayed out of my mouth because I was NOT expecting that, you guys! I thought he was gonna say like a couple weeks or something but HOT DAMN! He said it so casually too! Like it was nothing!

"Hmm, actually, I want to brush my teeth first," he said, still all nonchalant. "So yes, after we finish eating, the dishes are done, and I brush my teeth. We can do it."

"Holy crap," I said with a huge grin on my face. "I can't believe it. Cool beans. Coolest beans EVER!"

"Yes." England casually took another bite of his oatmeal.

"But … what made you change your mind? I mean, not that I'm complainin', but …"

England looked away. "After you left last night, I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning, but it simply wasn't happening."

"Yeah?"

"The only thing that let me sleep was … well …" He blushed a little. "… this is pretty damned embarrassing to admit, but I pleasured myself to thoughts of you."

"Uh …"

"After I … you know, finished … I went into such a peaceful sleep. Best sleep I've had in a while."

Shh, don't tell England I did the same thing! That'll be our little secret, you guys ;)

"When I woke up this morning, I couldn't think of anything besides doing what I thought of last night … in reality." He finally looked at me. "With you."

BOW CHICKA WOW WOW~

(For real this time!)

LOL sorry for ruining a possibly tender moment. Couldn't help myself!

Okay, back to the tender moment.

I smiled sweetly back at him. "Awesomesauce," I replied warmly.

And then we kept eating our oatmeal.

X

England told me to go wait on his bed while he finished up brushing his teeth. I tore outta my clothes and hopped on. Pffft … England actually made his bed. What was the point of that? You KNOW we're gonna be rustling up them sheets, hehe!

So I just sat there wearing only my boxers, waiting. (MY FAVORITE HOBBY /sarcasm.) Luckily England didn't take too long. He walked into the bedroom and saw me sitting at the foot of the bed, looking all excited.

"Whoo, you're done!" I said. "You ready?"

"Oh … uh, I suppose." England was wearing like regular clothes. No, they were pretty nice clothes. Why'd he bother dressing up if them clothes were just gonna be hitting the floor soon?

He just stood there, looking all around the room.

"So …" he started nervously. "… what do we do first?"

"You take off your clothes, duh."

"Oh — right. That does make sense." He faced away from me and started taking off that sweater vest. Damn, I almost wanted him to leave that thing on … something about it … unf.

"Want me to do it for you?" I asked excitedly.

"N … no. I can do it."

He kept facing the wall as he took off both the sweater vest and the shirt he had on underneath it. I could see his arms were shaking a little. I wanted to say something … but I didn't know what to say :/

Finally, he finished, and went to hang the shirts up in his closet. Still facing away from me, he started on his pants.

Goddamn this was awkward. I mean, sex is often a little awkward. It's just how it goes sometimes. But this … this was really awkward. Hardcore awkward. Me just sitting there watching him undress, and him not even willing to face me while he did it …

Finally, England's pants were off and he hung them up too.

"Do … do I take my socks off too?" he asked nervously.

I shrugged. "Doesn't really matter."

"My feet get cold easily … I-I think I'll leave them on."

"Ai'ight."

So then England was just standing there in his boxers (and socks) in the middle of the room. Looking everywhere but at me, and rubbing his hands together anxiously.

"… what now?" he asked.

"Get in the bed, dummy!"

DANG. I mean, I know England's a virgin and all, but come on! He's gotta know at least this much. Doesn't he have HBO?

"N-now listen," said England, trying to make his voice stern despite how nervous it sounded. "I want to do this, but I don't want you bossing me around. I want to do it on my own terms. So let's get those straight before we go any further."

I flopped on my back with a sigh. "Fiiiine … what are they?"

"First of all, if I change my mind at any time for whatever reason — that's it. We stop immediately. Understand?"

Auugh. I wish England would at least get in the bed to lecture me. It was weird with him still standing in the middle of the room like that. Especially being almost naked.

"Now, also …" England's voice grew even more nervous. "S-since this is my first time and I don't know what I'm doing … and you obviously do …"

Oh yeeeeah. England knows I got game.

"I would like you … to lead."

I sat up. "You mean top?"

"I-if you think that's best …" Pffft, England's face was so red. "I mean, you know more about this than I do. It seems best that you do … you know … the work."

I always assumed I'd top anyway. Or at least I mean, I'd be the one putting it in him. But my dreams of England riding me like a horsey were all but dashed! D': Oh well … maybe in time, I could put those muscles to use and we'd go NEEEEIGH NEEEEEIGH together all night long, hehe.

"Is that okay?" asked England.

"Absofruitly!"

England took a deep breath. "The last thing is fairly simple … I just ask that you're gentle with me."

"Yeah, yeah," I replied, waving him off. "You're not the first person's virginity I've taken, I know the drill."

England stared back at me. And not in a happy way. Crap, maybe I shouldn't have said that. He probably doesn't want to think of me like that. Like he's just one in a line of many. He probably wants this to be all special and crap. Oops …

"R-right …" he finally said.

Aaaawkward~

So England finally got into the bed with me. He sat down and appeared to be thinking about something. "We do it on top of the covers, right? Or do I need to turn down the blankets?"

"Pfft," I cracked up. "Dude, you are way overthinking this."

"Hmmph! I just want to make sure I do it right." Suddenly his eyes widened. "Oh, I almost forgot! Get out of here, you all." He waved his hands like he was shooing something away. "Go on … I'll come and find you when I'm finished. No, don't give me that look. It's not going to work this time. Go on."

… the heck?

"Flying Mint Bunny, you get out of here this instant!"

Oh. England and his delusions. Wow, he even thinks about them before sex? Maybe I did bag myself a freak after all …

"Finally," said England. "All of them are gone. I didn't want them to watch. That would be awkward."

This is already awkward … and he just made it even more by talking about his imaginary friends right before getting it on.

Then again, I shoo my pets out of the bedroom before sexy times too. Well, usually. Sometimes I forget and while I'm pounding away I hear my whale in the background making all these confused noises like "MOOOO? !" and I'm like jeez shut up I'm busy over here you need to GTFO go eat some krill or something, ugh.

"All right, now that that's done …" began England with a shaky voice. "I suppose I just … lie down? Does it matter if I lie on my back or my stomach?"

"Not really — it's up to you."

"Oh … all right."

You know … somehow talking it out like this, takes all the sexiness out of it. I didn't even have a boner! Not a full one, anyway. I was like … just a little hard. Like I felt some twitches down there when I got to see England almost naked. Because I was like awww yeeeah. Show me some skin, baby. Pale and pasty. Just how I like it, unf. But the awkwardness was dampening my erection! And not the good kind of dampening of erections. Like, actually getting it damp and wet. I meant dampen like it was stifling it :(

England fluffed his pillow, then lie down on his back. Took him a minute to get situated, but then he quit squirming around. "I think I'll do it this way."

I grabbed the bottle of lube I'd left there from last night. It was on the nightstand. "Okay. So you're good?"

England's eyes were locked on the lube. "Um … is this going to hurt? I mean, I understand it usually does the first time, but I'm just curious what I'm in for …"

"Uhh …"

"How big are you?"

"UHHH …"

Crap. What do I say to that? ! I don't wanna scare him! Then he'll be nervous and tense up and it will definitely hurt a lot then! Or worse, he'll puss out and I won't get laid at all! And how I do say how big I am? There's no good answer to that! If I say I'm small he might be less scared of pain, but OUCH to my pride, dude! I'm not saying I have a small dick! But if I say it's big, he'll get scared! It's a Catch-25. 28? No, 21. Nailed it.

"I'm … uh … average sized?"

England was looking between my legs. Trying to sneak a peek at my package through my boxers. "Okay …"

:I

"Just try to relax," I told him. "It'll hurt less if you're not all tensed up."

England took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled. "I'm trying. It's just that a million thoughts are going through my mind at once."

"Me too."

LOL I think he believed me. I had only two thoughts in my mind. SMEX, of course. And whatever happened to the Noid? Y'all remember him? He was red and had big ears like a rabbit and he was always messing up Domino's pizzas? I mean, I guess it's a good thing we don't hear about him anymore, since he hurt pizza and all. But still. I hope nothing bad happened to him …

I grabbed the top of England's boxers. His face was burning red, looking away, as I slowly slid them down.

I pulled them all the way down and off, then tossed them on the floor. I tried to be all nonchalant as to not make England more nervous, but I couldn't help but immediately look.

Oh.

England wasn't hard either :/

I guess because he was nervous. Welp I guess it's my job to get him in the mood …

I popped the top of the lube bottle. "You ready?"

England's eyes widened. "You're … you're gonna put it in already?"

"No, I'll finger you first."

England sighed out of relief. "Oh … okay." Then he tensed again. I guess he was thinking about me putting my fingers inside him.

"It's gonna feel weird," I said as I poured some lube in my hand. Then I rubbed it between my fingers. "But you'll get used to it."

England's eyes followed my hand as I set the lube bottle back on the nightstand. "Understood," he replied.

Damn this was awkward …

I sat on my knees between his legs. He spread them a little wider so I had plenty of room. With one hand, I spread his ass cheeks open a bit more. With the other, I rubbed against his entrance with one finger. I could feel him twitching against me. I applied more pressure, and slowly slid in.

England's eyes were practically bulging off his face. He was watching all this, looking very interested even though he was nervous. He watched me push in my finger all the way.

"You good?" I asked when he didn't say anything and that was awkward.

"Um … yes," he replied with a shaky voice. "It doesn't hurt. It just feels … odd."

I pulled back the finger until it was almost all the way out, then pushed it back in. England trembled when I did that. He was shaking like a vibrator.

"It's okey," I said. "Just relax."

England nodded. "I'm okay. Keep going."

So I slid in the second finger. The lube was starting to dry on it so I needed to hurry up! When I pushed it in, England grunted and his butt popped up off the bed for a minute. Like he was arching. But then he breathed out and plopped back down.

"Simmer down," I said.

I started working the two fingers inside him. Slowly thrusting them in and out, spreading the lube inside. He kept squirming and gasping. Like he couldn't catch his breath. But I also kept hearing him take deep breaths like he was trying to control it, and it just went back and forth like that.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

"It's uncomfortable," he replied, his voice shaky. "But I wouldn't say painful. It just feels like … a lot of pressure." He tensed again, gritting his teeth as I thrust inside him. But then he forced himself to relax. "A-A lot of pressure."

I looked down at him. Lying beneath me, completely naked, blushing from his face all the way down to his chest. Trembling and twitching. And … still flaccid.

The crazy part? I wasn't all that hard either :/

I pulled my fingers out of him. And wiped them on the sheets. "England …"

His eyes had been squeezed shut for the last minute or so. He opened them and looked at me. "Yes?"

"I don't think this is working."

"This isn't how it's supposed to be?"

"Not really."

I sighed and flopped beside him. I lay on my side, still wiping lube off on his bed.

"What's wrong?" asked England, rolling over on his side to face me.

"We're supposed to be all over each other," I said. "All excited and eager and you know … horny. I mean, neither of us even has a full erection!"

England glanced away. "I did think it felt rather unnatural. But I assumed it was because I didn't know the difference. But it shouldn't be that way?"

"No."

He sighed, letting his eyes flutter shut. "You know … this wasn't how I pictured my first time to be. I had a lot of fantasies … none of them were like this."

"Yeah?" I asked. "Tell me about them."

"Ohhh … they're rather embarrassing."

"Dude, you're lying naked beside me from the most awkward foreplay OF ALL TIME. What else do you have to lose?"

"Ha," he chuckled nervously. "I suppose you're right. Well, one of them … and don't you laugh! I had a fantasy that my first time would be at the Stonehenge. Being laid down in the plush grass there between the stones, or perhaps being pinned up against one of them, hell maybe even climbing on top of one and doing it there, I don't know, it was always an idea of mine—"

"HAHAHAHA!"

England's eyes sprang open. "GIT!" he said as he playfully smacked me.

"Haha, sorry, that is just so funny to me." I mean, the Stonehenge? Really? You don't see me banging people on top of Mount Rushmore or Plymouth Rock or Fraggle Rock. "Besides, that would suck. Outdoor sex kinda blows."

England looked surprised. "It does?"

"I mean, any sex is good sex. Not like I'd turn it down because of that. But it's a real hassle outside sometimes. It's dirty and annoying and you always gotta worry about someone seeing you." I LOL'd a little. "This one time, I did it outside, and I accidentally rolled onto an ant hill! And they weren't the nice kinda ants like in that movie A Bug's Life, they were FIRE ANTS! Haha, oh lawd, we didn't even get to finish I was crying so much — uh, I mean, in so much pain, haha. I didn't cry."

"Wow … I didn't think about things like that. Now that you mention it, I suppose it isn't very practical, what with the dirt and twigs, and whatever else is out there …"

I grinned at him. "Tell me another one of your virgin fantasies."

"You'll just laugh again!"

"Just do it!"

He sighed. "Fine. Well, you know how I've always been fond of the sea. One of my fantasies was that for my first time, I would take a long walk on the beach, and then someone would lay me down in the sand, by the water, and we'd do it as the waves came crashing over us, thrusting to the same rhythm as them along with nature, making love as the sun beamed overhead and dolphins chirped in the background …"

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

I LOL'd everywhere.

"Shut up!" shouted England.

"Dude, that's so GAY! And CLICHÉ! And … dolphins? Really? You wanna hear them screaming EEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE in the background as you get it on? PFFFT!"

"You are such a twat."

"Beach sex blows! I've done it there before and … ugh. You get sand in all your nooks and crannies. If ya know what I mean!"

England made a face. "Ugh …"

"Yeah, it's gross. Plus there's little rocks in the sand and they scrape you up, and you get salt water in your mouth, and you can't use the waves for a rhythm — it's too slow. And dude … I got sunburn EVERYWHERE."

"I didn't think about all that …"

"How do you get sunburn on your taint? ! I dunno, but I did one time, haha! That was a sobering dose of reality to rub aloe vera down there …"

"Why must you ruin my fantasies? !" asked England.

"I'm just telling you the truth!"

"I hesitate to even tell you my last one. Especially since it was my favorite …"

"Aw, come on. Please do!" I want the lulz …

England fiddled with the edge of his pillow. "I had this fantasy of losing my virginity in the cockpit of a B-17 Flying Fortress."

"HAHAHA — wait, what?"

"You heard me," he said sternly.

The gears were slowly turning in my head. Waaaait a minute … "But that's … that's an American plane. The kind I flew during WW2."

"Yes."

And then it clicked. "Wait! Are you saying your fantasy for your first time was with me? Your FAVORITE fantasy?"

England blushed even harder. "… yes. In your plane."

England wanted me since WW2? ! And kept me waiting all this time? ! Y'ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE WAITING!

"That. Is. Awesome."

England looked really embarrassed. "Heh …"

"Buuuuut … plane sex sucks too."

"You've done it there? !"

"Mmmyep. Not so great. It's all cramped and there's no place to really move around too much and there's no good ventilation and the SOUNDS are just so loud you can't even hear sexy noises or moans or anything. Definitely not an ideal place for banging."

England shook his head. "You have taken all the fun out of my fantasies."

"I'm just being real, yo," I said. "The bed really is the best place to do it." I hesitated. "Well, the couch is good too. Or on a table or desk or something. Or even against the wall if you got good balance. But for your first time, the bed is definitely the best place for it!"

"You are so daft." There's that word again … "America, I am trying to tell you I did want you to be my first. Are you an idiot?"

"You're the idiot! If you wanted my hot bod why didn't you just ask? !"

"It was too intimating! I knew you … well, got around. And you being so much younger than me … it was too much pressure. I didn't think you'd want someone so … inexperienced."

"You dummy. I wouldn't have cared."

England smiled at me. "Come here."

And then he leaned over and kissed me. A chaste, virginal kiss. On the lips, but not open mouthed.

Well, I was gonna change that, hehe. I kissed back, encouraging him to open his mouth. He didn't seem to get the hint at first but I kept pressing my tongue until he finally parted his lips and let me slip inside.

And then we were totally making out. As soon as I starting moving my tongue all up his mouth, he got braver, and was giving it right back to me. Something came over both of us and we just went at it like horny schoolkids. It got hot and heavy and we both moaned into the kiss.

"Mmm," I said into his mouth.

I felt him grasp at me. Like he was trying to reach for my clothes to pull me, but I wasn't wearing any except the boxers. I got the hint though. That he wanted me to climb back on top of him.

So I did~

I crawled back on top of him so that I was straddling over him. The whole time I didn't break the kiss because I'm good like that. We were still going at it when I felt England's hands again. This time they were trying to grab at my boxers. He was trying to push them down.

But he couldn't quite reach very good.

So with one of my hands, I reached down and tugged them off. I finally had to break the kiss as I shimmied out of them.

Both of us were panting as I tossed them aside.

Things were a little different now. I was hard as a pet rock. Y'all remember them things? I had one named Rocky back in the 70's. It was so sad when he got hit by a car :(

I glanced down. England was hard too.

"You sure you wanna do this?" I asked. As if his boner didn't speak for itself. Just wanted to be sure!

England just smiled and nodded.

"Okey~" I quickly grabbed another squirt of lube and rubbed it on my cock. Ahh. Nice and slick, just like a Slip & Slide!

I kissed him one more time. Our lips were still pressed together as I entered him. The tip of my cock slowly pushed inside him. I did it all gently and crap like he wanted. Little by little it disappeared inside of him. He gasped into my mouth, squirming, but I gently kissed him back to try to calm him down.

Finally, I got it all the way in. I ran out of cock and was balls deep inside him.

I pulled my face back, breaking the kiss. "You okay?"

England was squeezing his eyes shut. He forced them to open but still grimaced. "Umm … it hurts a little …" He saw me frown and quickly added, "B-but it's all right. Keep going. Just … gently."

I was as gentle as a lamb. BAAAAAAA!

So I started a slow, rocking rhythm. I really wanted to just plunge in and fuck the hell out him, but I held back because I'm a pretty cool guy and I'm not gonna do that to him on his first time. There will be time for that later hopefully ;)

Though it was hard to resist! England was hella tight! So tight hgghhh … it was definitely obvious England was a virgin! So much pressure on my cock ajasjlaskjdlaq …

It's probably a good thing I had to go slow or else I probably would have cum already just from how tight he was! Couple good hard thrusts and I would have gone SPLOOOODGE everywhere.

… probably shouldn't have admitted that.

England was taking a lot of deep breaths. I could tell he was trying to relax. Though he still would involuntarily gasp a lot on certain thrusts too.

"Doing okay?" I asked.

England nodded. "Y-yes," he replied. "It's … kind of nice."

"Mmm."

"I appreciate you being gentle."

This was weird. I wasn't used to having sex this way. I was used to some CRAZY sex. Like random quickies in the JC Penny's supply closet or sneaking a BJ under the table at Chipotle's while I ate my burrito or taking a gamble in a dirty bathroom and trying out that glory hole. I hope the janitors clean those things …

But this was way different. This was all sweet and gentle. And in an actual bed. And while a bed was my preference, it's just not what I'm used to.

Suddenly, England arched. "Do it there again …" he gasped. "Ah … no … a little farther back …" He was squirming under me like crazy. "A little more … ah, FUCK …"

"Here?" I thrust to where he was trying to get me to go.

"Nngh … yes. Right there."

So I aimed for that spot. England did too. I could tell while he was squirming he was trying to angle himself just right.

"Ohhhh …" he moaned. "Yes … keep going …"

"Okay~"

"Right there … yessssss …." he hissed.

"Haha, wow, you're really liking it now, huh?" I panted. "You sure you're not faking? Only women can get away with that, hehe."

England cupped my face and smirked. It was pretty close to his. "What are you saying? That women fake their orgasms with you?"

"WHAT! No! I make them scream and moan and sometimes even squirt all over the place! I ROCK."

"Heh … do the same for me, would you?"

BOW CHICKA WOW WOW~

Third time's the charm!

Balancing myself on one arm, I gripped his cock. He gasped when I did that.

"Lookee what I found here …." I teased.

"Mmm …" England moaned, bucking into my hand.

"You want me to touch you?"

"Yes …"

"You suuuure?"

"YES!" he shouted desperately.

I was still gently banging him. So he must have been REALLY horny to want both so bad!

"Hehehehe …" I snickered as I started to stroke him. I stroked him faster than the rhythm I penetrated him with. It was like twice as fast. Thrust X2.

England arched into my hand. "Oh God …"

"See what you've been missing out on?"

England didn't respond. He was breathing really heavy. He grunted and clawed at my back. I bit my lip in pain when I felt them rake down along my skin. OUCH DUDE. But that's okey. I like scratch marks. I like to show them to people later and be like LOOK WHO GOT LAID LAST NIGHT! YOU JELLY? And they always are. I wear them scars proudly!

"Yes … yes … yes …" England chanted, squeezing his eyes shut.

I was thinking about Neosporin for those scratch marks when it happened. England arched again, making a choking sounding grunt. Then my hand felt hot and wet. I looked down and he was cumming.

I kept stroking him through it. Every last drop.

England trembled through his orgasm. He didn't say anything during, just made that strangled sound. Until every squirt was out of him, all over his stomach, all sticky and white, and he collapsed.

"Damn," I said with a big grin. "I'm good."

England sighed peacefully. He was covered in his own jizz but didn't even mind. It's hard to mind anything right after you come. "Pat yourself on the back why don't you?" he said sarcastically.

"I would but you scratched it all up!"

"Oh." He opened his eyes to meet mine. "Sorry. I was lost in the moment."

"Nah, it's cool."

I resumed thrusting. I hope you guys didn't forget about ME! I haven't cum yet. And I neeeeeded to. Watching England gasm all over the place almost made me pop right then and there. I was pretty darn close …

Just a few more thrusts and that was it. I jerked and trembled. England watched with a perverted curiosity as I emptied myself inside him.

"Ennnnnnggggg—"

I never finished his name. I kept dragging it out and finished cumming before I did. When it was over, I shuddered hard. That was a good gasm :D

I rolled off of him, to lay beside him.

"That was nice, America," said England, looking me in the eyes for once.

Nice? That's not normally what people say to me after sex. They usually say things like "Look what a mess you made" or "That didn't last very long" or "Bye I'll catch a cab" or "No I won't make you a sandwich." Nobody ever wants to make me a sandwich! :(

But England … was complimenting me? That's rare. Rare in that he normally never compliments me AND people usually don't say nice things to me after sex. I was caught off-guard.

"Umm … thanks?" I replied, all confused.

"No, thank you." He rested his head on my chest. "I was very nervous to do that. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

'As bad'? Okay that's a little less of a compliment but whatever …

"You're welcome?"

"Though I must confess …" He was staring at the ceiling now. "What really made me change my mind."

"Hmm?" I was all sleepy. From a good bonin'.

"I really did intend to wait just a little while longer," he said. "But after you left me alone in the bedroom last night … alone with the lube and that … that metal thing, whatever it was …"

"Uh …"

"Well, um, this is rather embarrassing. But I tried it again."

"YOU DID WHAT? !"

England quickly sat up. I did too. "I-I-I was lonely! And horny! All I thought about was you, and that metal thing was the first sexual experience I ever had with someone else and even though it felt a bit uncomfortable I still felt a sexual thrill I'd never experienced before!"

"HOLY CRAP DUDE."

"I couldn't quite do it though …" he said, blushing. "I didn't know what I was doing. It just made me more desperate. More sexually frustrated. I just finished with my hand but I vowed that I would get you to show me how it actually works." He glanced to me with a hopeful look on his face. "Could we? You said something about clanging metal on it … could we try that?"

"Uh … WOW." I didn't know what to say! This was pure chaste virginal England we were talking about! Scared of riding crops and paddles because they're too sexy! And he wants to try SOUNDING? For only his SECOND time having sex? Usually stuffing your cock is what you do when you've had so much sex you can only get off on the crazy stuff …

"Well?" he asked.

"Um … yeah, I guess!"

"Brilliant."

WHAT HAVE I DONE? I've created a sexual deviant! D:

… that good or bad? :I

"I think we should do it after lunch," he said matter-of-factly. "Yes, after lunch would be splendid. Give us time to recharge."

"Umm … okay …"

"I'll make us sandwiches."

"OKAY!" I replied excitedly. Nobody ever made me a post-sex sandwich before! No matter how many times I'd asked for one. "AWESOME!"

"With a nine and half liter cup of Coke."

That's random. "… okay?"

He smirked at me. "That's 32 oz."

England knows me so well :'D

(The end!)


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